An Open Letter to Mariah Carey

Dear Mariah Carey,

It's hard for me to say this to you, but things between us have changed. You can't just waltz back into my life after having left for such a long time and expect us to pick up where we left off, as if nothing ever happened.

Don't get me wrong, Mariah. What we had between us was life-changing. You were there for me at my first middle school dance. You were singing "One Sweet Day" with Boyz II Men, as Ryan Ihnacik approached me and asked me if I would dance with him. Nevermind that I was four foot five and he was six-two, having to hunch down to put his hands on my waist. Your sweeping improvisations sat perfectly atop soulful harmonies and you made everything in the room suddenly graceful. Nevermind that at age 11, I was weirded out by boyfriend stuff. Please, the rhythm of "One Sweet Day" is perfectly designed to keep slow-dance amateurs in rhythm, with or without chemistry. (Step...touch. Step...touch.) Did it matter that technically it's a song about death? Don't be silly, Mariah. I had you, and that's all that mattered.

You were there for me in the backseat of my parents' minivan in the form of my chic tech-savvy Discman on long family trips. Mariah, I read the lyrics and liner notes of "Daydream" from cover to cover. I still remember listening to "Always Be My Baby", reading the lyrics and thinking: "Where is the melody?? WHERE IS THE MELODY?" You so tastefully toed the line between virtuosic and excessive, Mariah. It's why I love you, and your five octave range. I'll never forget what we had.

Lately though, Mariah, things have changed. First, you go away and leave me to the likes of Beyonce, Rihanna, and the winners of American Idol. And I loved them too, Mariah, but I continued to feel this emptiness. Do any of them have a "whistle range" in which they can access super high pitches known only to a rare handful of opera singers? Do any of them move their hands to the exact nuances of their vocal riffs? Are any of them the top-selling pop female vocalist of all time? Let me check: nope.

Next thing I know, you've come back, but it's not the same. Take "Obsessed" for example. I detected the distinctive smell of AutoTune on you. How DARE you do this to me, Mariah? Might I remind you that this electronic device is designed for people who CANNOT sing? It's akin to asking Monet to paint-by-numbers. Or giving training wheels to Evel Kenieval. Or enlisting Baryshnikov in beginners' ballet. You get the point, Mariah.

I understand that AutoTune is in vogue right now. And that you are trying to stay current. It's a wise move considering you've never really strayed from your "purple-sparkly-butterfly-14 year old girl" concept. I get it.

But you are disrespecting your art, and your very ability. Your voice naturally moves from one pitch to the next. Human voices aren't synthesizers; there is an infinite number of pitches in between one note and the next and voices are more like trombones than pianos in that it's possible to slide all around. But all great singers work towards that accuracy and clarity. I don't have to tell YOU this, Mariah. You know better. You were accurate and swift while maintaining the illusion of effortless fluidity. All of this while accessing a wide range of pitches with enviable technique.

I won't lie. I've always been very, very jealous of you. But now, I'm downright angry.

Love,
Laura

P.S. - Nick doesn't deserve you. And I never even SAW "Glitter." So take that.